EXT. INNER CITY WASTELAND (Shaky CAMERA, showing us various cardboard cut-outs of the public), GRAINY B & W, DAY

CM: "Tonight, on Brass Eye - are we in a state of irreversable decline, what's the reason, what can be done about it, and if there is a solution who on earth is going to put it into action?"

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY COTTAGE (Chris standing with family in idyllic setting)

CM: "Or is everything just great?"

(Chris and family laugh, almost mockingly)

CUT TO:

INTRO SEQUENCE: BRASS EYE

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a bank of "BRASSEYE" monitors)

TITLE: (Christopher Morris)

CM: "Good evening - now this is the nerve-centre of tonight's programme, to help paint a true picture of the state of Britain we have er, live surveillance cameras out, one of them has a reporter stuck on the front, Austen Tassletine. Austin, what are you doing?"

CUT TO:

EXT. PETROL STATION (Austen standing in front of cashier point)

TITLE: (Austen Tassletine, Live camera insert)

AT: "I'm er, at a garage in the centre of Clapton, in London, erm, which is _raided_ every thirty five minutes, day and night, so we hope that during the next half-hour or so, we may well see some action here this evening."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a bank of "BRASSEYE" monitors)

CM: "We certainly do, now just five minutes ago we received these disturbing pictures from a camera in a playground. They show an apparently innocent-looking children's -"

CUT TO:

EXT. PLAYGROUND (REMOTE CAMERA, two children on a merry-go-round, the ride being pushed by two men), NIGHT

TITLE: (Zith's Playground, Preston 9:47 pm)

CM: "- game which is in fact an exchange of drugs. There they go.."

(One man attaches a BAG OF WHITE POWDER to one of the children, which the other man takes away. The two men then sidle off into the night)

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a large bank of monitors)

CM: "And if you think about it those two children are extremely lucky not to have been killed to bits."

CUT TO:

INTRO SEQUENCE: THE STATE OF BRITAIN

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM (Chris Morris sitting by a HOSPITAL BED, a "living" representation of BRITAIN lying in it, looking ill)

VOICEOVER: Chris Morris

CM: "1996. What is the _true_ state of Britain? Basking in rude health?"

(Chris Morris turns to CAMERA, addressing it - a deathly green light pervades the scene)

CM: "Or sick, to the guts - it's "the-moral-mometer" now reading less than two morals, per head -"

(Draws the "the-moral-mometer" from the head of Britain, showing it to read less than two morals per head)

"- due to massive value haemorrage."

(Pulls back bed sheets, "respect" and "decency" written on Britain in blood)

"Some would say tish, and fipsey -"

(Ambient light changes back to normal)

"- but others wouldn't -"

(Ambient light turns to a deathly green again)

"- due to repeat woundings, from weapons like this -"

(He stabs a KNIFE, the word "AMERICA" printed on it, into Britain)

"- and this."

(Pulls out a MODEL MISSILE, the words "MODERN CULTURE" printed on it)

CUT TO:

INT. MUSIC STORE (Ted Maul walking along an aisle)

TITLE: (Ted Maul, Pop Affairs Correspondent)

TM: "This, is where pop happens. And pop is always looking for trouble - the new single by Blouse is a song of love to Myra Hindley, and it's caused more stink than a bomb in one of those holes in the ground at a rock festival that everybody shits in."

CUT TO:

MUSIC VIDEO: (Blouse performing ME OH MYRA - A Pulp pastiche)

TITLE: ("ME OH MYRA", New single by Blouse)

When I saw your photo, in the press, I thought
Is she blonde?, under her dress, I thought
I hope they make her, take off her dress
For the next one, but they didn't even know it would be so much better if it had been alright sitting there having a fag

CUT TO:

INT. ROOM (Interview with Purves Grundy)

TITLE: (Purves Grundy, Lead Singer, Blouse)

PG: "Myra Hindley is a very complex woman, you know, and this song is about.. her hair."

CUT TO:

MUSIC VIDEO:

I used to have your picture, in the toilet
I wanted you to see my naked body and oil it
But my mother had to catch me and spoil it

And I don't think even you, could have given me more
Murder

CUT TO:

INT. ROOM (Interview with Purves Grundy)

PG: "I don't think there's a single reference in the song to her brain, which I think maybe 'ave 'ad a slight problem."

CUT TO:

MUSIC VIDEO:

Every time I see your picture, Myra
I have to phone my latest girlfriend and fire 'er
And find a prostitute that looks like you and hire 'er
Oh, me oh Myra

CUT TO:

INT. ROOM (Interview with Purves Grundy)

PG: "I do think somebody who's gone and bought this record, just 'cause of the fuss that's been made about it, I think they should throw it away - and then they should go and buy another copy, because they like the song."

CUT TO:

MUSIC VIDEO:

You better watch out Brady, I'm gonna 'ave ya lady
Just 'cause I wan-'er, just 'cause I can get her and you can't
So pogo on that you twat

CUT TO:

INT. CATHEDRAL (Chris Morris, tiny at the other end - huge echo)

CM: (Shouting) "Traditionally we've turned to the Bible for help, but now even that's been devalued, by those who used to espouse it."

CUT TO:

VOICEOVER, OVER TERRY WAITE LIBRARY PICTURES: Chris Morris

CM: "Terry Waite. Once, special envoy to the Archbishop of Canterbury, has been paid two million pounds to write a fifth gospel, to replace the existing four."

TW: (On tape) "Jesus didn't know he was Jesus, until he'd been chained to the radiator for some time."

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM (Chris Morris standing by a HOSPITAL BED, the representation of BRITAIN lying in it, looking ill. Chris is holding a GUN)

A SINGLE FRAME AT THE START DISPLAYS THE MESSAGE "GRADE IS A CUNT!"

CM: "Should we revive our ailing culture, or should we just put it out of it's misery. Or, should we bring it back to life -"

(Uses electric heart massagers on Britain)

"- and then shoot it for letting us down so badly!"

(Shoots Britain in the head)

"You haven't got a clue have you. But you will do, if you watch for thirty minutes!"

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a large bank of monitors)

CM: "Now if you want to take part in the programme and let us know what _you_ think of Britain's state of decline, then please - do make use of our phones. Er, just like to check at that garage where there could be an incident at any moment, Austen Tassletine is there, Austen anything er, Aust- OI! Anything happened?"

AT: "No. Er, noth-, well I mean earlier on there was a small incident with a pen. But er, no nothing serious no."

CM: "Can you tell me exactly why you mean by "a small incident with a pen"?"

AT: "Well we don't know for sure.. er -"

CM: "So why mention it?"

AT: "Just er, it was a small incident that's all. With a pen."

CM: "... thanks Austen. Well now to shocking events that _have_ actually happened, as we lift the whistle on drugs in the workplace. And show how employees at Shaftesbury's Jams in Colchester, are using illegal high drugs on a daily basis."

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. FACTORY

VOICEOVER: FEMALE VOICE

VO: "Shaftesbury's Jam has run at a profit since 1977. Staff are encouraged to use cannabis, cocaine, crack and heroin, whenever they feel the need."

(Footage from inside BOARDROOM, various employees using various substances)

"It's the weekly production meeting. The new product, loganberry jam, is behind schedule."

STAFF: "Yeah there is a delay, er, it's a two-fold problem really, um -"

(The MD is injecting his thigh with heroin as the staff talk)

I needed a clearer indication from marketing about five weeks ago, the shape of jar that we were going for... If I'd had it then we'd have, we'd have, well we'd only be about a week behind now. But -"

MATTHEW: "I've got erm, I've got a couple of points I'd like to make here, I mean, Graham's lead times are way too long."

GRAHAM: (Finishing off a line of cocaine) "They're not my lead times. These are times given to me by the company."

VO: "The company has used drugs to improve it's performance for the past seventeen years."

FADE TO BLACK - FADE BACK

VO: "An hour later, the drugs are speeding efficiency and decision making. The odd shirt is changed as old veins are damaged, and a small vomiting has taken place."

(ZOOM IN on a small BUCKET, VOMIT at the bottom)

MATTHEW: "There's no conceivable way we can make a profit."

VO: "The only problem seems to be Matthew, a new recruit from Spiller's Dog Foods who's inexperienced at crack. He's beginning to suffer."

(The rest carry on talking, while Matthew is visibly getting worse and worse)

MD: "We can still have a prestigious product Mandy, but I must agree, I must agree with er Matthew on this point, because of er financial restraints, our hands are tied."

GRAHAM: "What if the lids were berry-shaped..."

MD: "Okay -"

GRAHAM: "Could we have berry-shaped lids?"

MD: "We'll start at seventy percent and then over a two-year period we'll decrease to er, fifty five -"

MATTHEW: (Croaks) "Eighteen months."

MANDY: "I just, I I really I don't see how we can do that -"

MD: "Well because of our restraints I'm afraid -"

MATTHEW: (Croaks) "Running..." (Incoherent croaking) "Eighteen months."

MD: "Erm, no, I think two years has got to be the period, er, Matthew I think eighteen months is too short a time. Next business - apricots. More jar trouble Graham."

GRAHAM: "Erm.."

MATTHEW: "I..."

GRAHAM: "Yep."

(Matthew leaves the room slowly)

VO: "In time Matthew will learn his level. With company profits rising, it is unlikely that anyone here will want to change the chemistry."

MATTHEW: (From outside) "WOA! WO, WO, WOA!"

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a large bank of monitors)

CM: "... what does he expect? We're back live now going to that garage which we're expecting to be raided at any second, Austen Tassletine is there, Austen anything happened?"

AT: "Nothing."

CM: "No violence or stabbings?"

AT: "None at all Chris no."

CM: "What about those men behind you, what are they doing?"

AT: "Well I, I think they're just buying some petrol."

CM: "Are you sure?"

(Austen goes to check, taps one of the men on the shoulder)

AT: "Are you buying some petrol?"

MAN: "Yeah."

AT: ".. Yes."

CM: "Thanks Austen. Well, if that _apparently_ innocent-looking purchase did turn into a _shooting_, then this is what it would look like."

CUT TO:

CG RECONSTRUCTION: (Following the path of a bullet and the effects on it's recipient, ends with a live quivering body with massive wound in the back)

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a large bank of monitors)

CM: "Now according to experts that's exactly what would happen

AT: "We certainly hope so yes -"

CM: "Oh _belt up!_"

CUT TO:

INTRO SEQUENCE: "zeit guest, darcus howe"

STUDIO: (David Bovvinge, Interviewer, and Darcus Howe on either side of a desk, current affairs interview style)

TITLE: (David Bovvinge)

DB: "I'm sitting opposite a man, he knows nothing, he talks all the time, the result is he's a trenchant buffoon, he has no idea how to present television shows, he looks ridiculous in that fashion-wear, he swans around all the time hoping that people will recognise him, when in fact no-body's even _remotely_ interested, he's taken up enough of this show already and he hasn't even opened his mouth, god knows why he's here, I've nothing to ask the guy, and er for all I know he may well be a bit of a cocoa shunter too. Darcus Howe -"

DH: "What's a cocoa shunter?"

DB: "Cocoa shunter, that's just what I've got - sorry that's the introduction to Robert Elms... Sorry do you know Robert Elms? I've just read out the introduction to Robert Elms."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a large bank of monitors)

CM: (To someone out of frame) "He just caught fire it wasn't my fault.."

CM: "Back to our live cameras now. Austen Tassletine is at that garage we're expecting to be raided at any moment now, Austen any incidents yet?"

AT: "There's still nothing going on here Chris apart from erm, a young seagull that seems to have broken into the booth and is making the man there rather unhappy."

CASHIER: ".. fucking bird!"

CUT TO:

EXT. GOLF COURSE, DAY

VOICEOVER: Chris Morris

CM: "In a few minutes - has even our sense of fair play been eroded? News expose ons the growing fashion, for torturing golf caddies."

TITLE: (Peter Plodes, Golf Caddy)

PP: "There's er, what they call a "tee sandwich". When you hear that question "do you want tee?", and that means, just twenty, twenty five, golf tees... mixture of wood and plastic in two big hunks of bread, and you're forced to eat that."

CUT TO:

INTRO SEQUENCE: END OF PART ONE

CHANNEL 4 NEWS REPORT



INT. NEWS STUDIO: (News Caster at desk)

NC: "The broadcaster and entertainer Clive Anderson has been shot dead, by television host Noel Edmonds at his house in Cornwall this evening."

(Various camera shots from the scene)

"Police attended the incident but were prevented from entering the grounds by machine gun fire. From Cornwall, Vivien Banch reports."

CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE GROUNDS

VB: "The incident took place at around 7.30 during dinner when Mr. Edmonds produced an automatic weapon, and began shooting indiscriminately at his guests."

VOICEOVER: Vivien Banch

"One servant witnessed the bloodbath but managed to escape intact."

TITLE: (Trevor Distance, Edmonds' kitchen staff)

TD: "I came round the grounds, round the back way, and then got through the fence over here."

REPORTER: "Any idea why Edmonds has done this?"

TD: "No idea. He's never done it before."

VB: "An hour later Edmonds appeared at a top window with blood on his face, and threw what may have been a head on to the ground below."

(Long distance shot of Edmonds throwing head out window)

"It is not known what happened to the other guests, but Edmonds has now taken up position on his roof, with an armoury of precision weapons."

(Edmonds holding up rocket launcher on roof)

"Less than half an hour ago he was seen firing a rocket launcher at a wedding party over a mile away. The estate is now surrounded, but police fear he may take to the air in a helicopter gunship, and start spreading his massacre over hundreds of miles."

CUT TO:

INT. NEWS STUDIO: (News Caster at desk)

NC: "The world of showbusiness has tonight reacted with sadness and horror."

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE (Reporter with John Challis)

TITLE: (John Challis, actor)

JC: "Well I'd just heard a rumour about it, I er, I don't know what's happened at all."

REPORTER: "Apparently Clive Anderson was shot."

JC: "Clive Anderson was shot? By who, not -"

REPORTER: "By Noel Edmonds, yeah."

JC: "What? No..."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (David Qunt, Interviewer, and "Mad" Frankie Fraser on either side of a desk, current affairs interview style)

TITLE: (Frankie Fraser, ex-convict)

FF: "I'd say there's no excuse. None whatsoever."

DQ: "And if Edmonds is still inside the house?"

FF: "Well, just shoot 'im. I mean, people like me we're supposed to be rascals. But it's your Edmonds, your Hungerford guy, all so-called nice people."

DQ: "They ought to shoot him off the roof as quickly as possible."

FF: "Yes."

CUT TO:

INT. NEWS STUDIO: (News Caster at desk)

NC: "And they'll be an update at 11.30, after our next scheduled programme."

FADE TO BLACK

VOICEOVER: Chris Morris

CM: "Coming up - can our decline be blamed on god?"

EXT. CHURCH: (Chris Morris reporting), NIGHT

CM: "This is the house of god. So where's the landlord? It's infested with rot; I doubt if he's paid a visit in twenty years."

(He enters the church - a priest is giving a sermon to his congregation)

CM: "These people - look at them! They're nothing more than tenants in a dead man's shack. That idiot pukes it out, and they goober it up like sick puppies. Just a second father - when did you last check your facts? My point entirely. We've had this book analysed -"

(points to Bible)

"-it reads like the ramblings of a a drugged horse. The question tonight - is god confused like his prating truth pimps, or is he dead?"

(Chris runs out of the church)

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a large bank of monitors)

CM: "Welcome back. I was about to read out some of this - drivel, that you've been phoning in all evening but luckily we've been _saved_, from that because there _has_ been an incident, at that garage - nothing more than a seagull attack when we were last there, but it's got a bit more dramatic. Austen Tassletine, what's happened?"

CUT TO:

EXT. PETROL STATION (Blown to bits, fire licking at the debris)

AT: "Things have become completely exciting here because the ferocity of the seagull became very unpleasant, er, towards the man, and the man panicked and started er shooting at it with some flaming lighter fuel, that's when I thought "no!" because that garage, and the bird caught fire, and smashed through the window into the forecourt next to a man who was filling up his car with petrol and at this point I find myself flying through a hedge with precaution, the garage man produced an air pistol and started shooting at the bird, but _instead_, he hit the man, in the knee, and the man, I think, must have wheeled around and sprayed absolutely everything with petrol because, when the bird blew up the whole place went sky-high, and I've certainly never seen any.. I mean I'm not sure whether this is a true disaster, or just a cross between a very unpleasant event, and a rather stupid one."

CM: "Thank you."

CUT TO:

INTRO SEQUENCE: "zeit guest, "mad" frankie fraser"

STUDIO: (David Qunt, Interviewer, and "Mad" Frankie Fraser on either side of a desk, current affairs interview style)

DQ: (Producing a scale from under his desk) "This is the, er, "Frankie Fraser Madometer", right, so it's a "low miff" down here and "mad as a lorry" up that end and all the stages in between. Some examples, right? Er, somebody gives you, a bit of er, verbal GBH of the ear'ole. Is that, is that low?"

FF: "That's low, yeah."

DQ:"That's low, okay so that might go there."

(Places "LUGS" card next to "LOW MIFF")

"Some herbert's touching up your bird."

FF: "Wouldn't like that no."

(Places "BIRD" card next to "NARKED/NARKY")

DQ: "Okay - fondled by a nonce?"

FF: "Oh.. he'd suffer for that."

DQ: "Okay, so that might be up here."

(Places "NONCE" card next to "MASSIVE HUFF")

DQ: "Being grassed up to the filth."

FF: "That would have to go up 'ere."

(DQ places "GRASSED UP" card next to "MAD AS A LORRY")

DQ: "Right up here, okay, I'm interested in seeing what happens now; _reading_, about a pervert who interferes with the kids."

FF: "Well if you had another one further along 'ere..."

DQ: "So that can go actually off the scale?"

(Places "KIDS-O-THE-PERVY" card off the end of the scale)

FF: "Yeah."

DQ: "Alright, I just want -"

FF: "Anything can go with 'em."

DQ: "Anything at all?"

FF: "Anything."

DQ: "'Ere you are being grassed up to the filth. How would you feel if you, there, had accidentally grassed yourself?"

FF: "Well that's me own fault it would be wouldn't it."

DQ: "So that, that would make you less mad?"

FF: "Well exactly if you grassed yourself you'd have yourself to blame but how on earth could you grass yourself?"

DQ: "I don't know, you might have got, drunk or something, you might have given yourself away.."

FF: "Oh no, no way no, you don't do that, it can't happen - we're too experienced."

DQ: "Was there ever a time when you weren't experienced -"

FF: "No, never, no -"

DQ: "Do you think you were born experienced enough not to grass yourself?"

FF: "I think so yeah."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a large bank of monitors)

CM: "Whatever our state of decline there's no denying the power of miracles to focus hope."

(Walks along a few paces solemnly)

"Moss Staples has been to Ireland where he done this."

DISSOLVE TO: (Chris laughs genuinely. Well I bloody think so!)

EXT. IRELAND (A montage of pittoresque shots of Ballakreen)

VOICEOVER: Moss Staples

TITLE: (Moss Staples, Filling this one)

MS: "Ballakreen - rural, pastoral and peaceful. The last notable event here was in 1792, when the nationalist Partrick Duggan single-handedly besieged the British army, until it starved to death. But for that, Ballykreen wouldn't bother a single map."

(Moss Staples walking through woods)

MS: "Or a guide book. There's only one entry - and it's less than an inch long. But all that's changed now - because of that one."

(Points to a girl, kneeling by a grotto dedicated to the Virgin Mary)

VOICEOVER: Moss Staples

MS: "Patricia O' Dennell, the local girl who says she saw the statue of Mary, driving a car, through a field."

(Reconstruction of Virgin Mary statue in driver's seat of a car)

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM: (Moss Staples interviewing girl and mother)

MS: "Patricia, what does the statue do?"

TITLE: (Patricia O' Dennell, Miracle Girl)

PD: "It.. it, it kisses me and mm, tells me everything will be alright with daddy."

CUT TO:

EXT. GARAGE

VOICEOVER: Moss Staples

MS: "Two days later, Spike Durnaburny claimed the statue had driven into his garage, and asked for petrol."

TITLE: (Spike Durnaburny, Runs Garage)

SD: "I thought I heard her say very quietly, "fill her up". So I did. She pulled a face - it went like this:"

(Spike opens and closes his mouth, not unlike a goldfish)

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GROTTO (Villagers gathered around grotto), NIGHT

MS: "Villagers at the grotto started incorporating the face into their prayers."

VILLAGERS: "... Amen."

(They all open and close their mouths)

MS: "Many say they hear the sound of roaring engines, or see puffs of smoke from the grotto exhaust pipe."

CUT TO:

INT. GARAGE

(Spike selling Driving Mary merchandise - does the mouth movement)

MS: "The driving statue has also brought pennies from heaven - if you look for a doubt here, you won't find one here."

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE (Man leaning against his car in his driveway)

TITLE: (Confiteor Daly, Miracle Witness)

CD: "Proof for me, is that they found a white plaster powder, and after sending it off for testing, the results came back, and there's _Virgin DNA_ in the plaster."

CUT TO:

EXT. ROADSIDE (Two signs - one says "WARNING - GIRL KNEELING ON ROAD (COME AND SEE THE KNEELING GIRL) - the other says "BALLYKREEN")

MS: "No-one takes it more seriously than Patricia's mother."

(Shot showing Patricia kneeling in middle of the road)

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM

TITLE: (Martha O' Dennell, Mother)

MD: "I gently suggested she might like to pray in the middle of the road, and that if she were to be killed by a car, then the chances of her going to heaven would be higher.

MS: (Interviewing Patricia) "When you're kneeling in the road do you think, "I want a car to come and hit me"?"

PD: "Yes."

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD (Moss Staples standing by phone box)

MS: "Kneeling girls! Statues driving cars! What's going on!?"

VOICEOVER: Moss Staples

MS: "Ten years ago a man _was_ arrested in the area for driving statues around in a car. Was it him?"

CUT TO:

INT. PHONEBOX

MS: "Right, not you then?"

VOICEOVER: Moss Staples

MS: "He told us not. Could the priest explain it?"

CUT TO:

EXT. CHURCHYARD

TITLE: (Fr. Jools Doolan)

JD: "Well I think it's unlikely it was a miracle but the fact that the car was being driven on the right-hand side might indicate that she came from the Holy Land."

VOICEOVER: Moss Staples

MS: "_No._"

CUT TO:

EXT. CAR

MS: (In car) "The most likely explanation is that people are just seeing some blue light bouncing off a strut - but just try telling that to these bog-brained Murphys - you'd have more chance getting a -" (car vrooms - we can't hear him say "blow job") "- from the Pope."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing in front of a large bank of monitors)

CM: "Well just a moment to recap on the state of Britain. Your phone calls tonight have been described variously as rabid, pig-ignorant, and stultifyingly ill-informed. _Thanks_ for those. Just want to go back to that exploded garage, 'cause it still of course be the scene of a late-night incident - Austen Tassletine, will you stay for us there all night?"

AT: "Yes, yes I will yes."

CM: "Good man. And we leave you tonight, with a question - as we approach the third millenium, have we really come to this?"

CUT TO:

EXT. INNER CITY WASTELAND (A statue, with a placard "RICH" hung around it's neck; a DOG, with a placard "POOR" hung on it, is licking at the statue's genitals), GRAINY B & W, DAY

CM: "I'm afraid the answer, is yes. Good night."

END OF PART TWO

BRASSEYE - A TALKBACK PRODUCTION for CHANNEL FOUR TELEVISION
(C)Channel Four Television Corporation MCMXCVII

Transcribed by Lee Banyard

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